American Healthcare Is Ruining My Sex Life

Here is an actual role-play my boyfriend wanted to try out, and its subsequent failure due to the jacked-up American healthcare system.

Him: "OK, you be the hot pharmacist, and I'll be the guy who comes in wanting something for my broken heart."
Me: "OK."
Him: "Sooo...can you help me with my broken heart?"
Me: "When you say broken heart, what do you mean...?"
Him: "I have an arrhythmia."
Me: "Mmm...Well, we can give you some metoprolol...or vernakalant..."
Him: "Mmmm, how big is the dosage on that?"
Me: "Well, it depends on whether you get something by mouth or intravenously--straight to your heart"
*Bedroom eyes exchange*
Him: "...Oh, no! It looks like I don't have any insurance. How are we going to...?"
Me: "We're in Canada."
Him: "...I just came."


Thankfully, we were able to meet the challenge in Canada. However, let's pretend that our role-play would have taken place in the United States. Dissatisfaction abounds:

Him: "Oh, no! It looks like I don't have any insurance. How are we going to...?"
Me: "Well, this is very expensive. I don't know if you have what it takes."
Him: "Are you sure? [leans over counter and whispers] I think I have what it takes."
Me: "No, really. The cheapest form of treatment for this condition is a Tier 3 on most formularies, which is essentially the most expensive situation, unfortunately."
Him: "Which formulary do you want?"
Me: "I'd have to make a lot of calls is what I'm trying to tell you."
Him: "So what you're saying is that I'll have to give you a laaaarrrrge percentage?"
Me: "Yes, but depending on your age, I don't know if you'll be able to cover the donut hole"
Him: "Oh, I think I can cover it, if you know what I mean. Do you carry the generic?"
Me: "Well, it gets a little kinky here, because there is a generic, but we don't carry it. The maker of the brand name basically gave me a better deal in light of their having lost the patent on it, bringing their marketability to zero among insurance carriers. So, you'd inevitably have to pay more regardless, even if you wanted the generic. Take Lipitor for example--"
Him: "You know, I'll just keep my broken heart..."