Rush Limbaugh Is a Slut: The Don't Rush Method

This one goes in the SomeMo' Bullllshit archives. Our favorite bloated posterchild for what emphysema and a regimen of no exercise looks like, Rush Limbaugh, has returned to his misogynistic focus. After all, women are very close to his heart, as are plaque and vile, vile ideologies. We all know he's been hard-headed for too long--priapism. (Sorry, every now and then I like to practice my Young Money rhyme scheme.(

Yes, the creator of the term "Feminazi" has relaunched his personal war on women, slandering Sandra Fluke, a law student at Georgetown University, as a slut and a prostitute. Why? Because she openly advocates that employers include contraception coverage in their health plans.

Now, he's being the ever-magnanimous man we all know, extending his personal contraception to all of Georgetown University. In the vein of Foster Freiss, who has caused quite a buzz over his aspirin-between-the-knees-as-birth-control method, Limbaugh cosigned the idea and raised the stakes. "I'm offering a compromise today: I will buy all of the women at Georgetown University as much aspirin to put between their knees as they want."

Wow! I hope it's Bayer, and not just a generic (we know how I feel about generics). At least he's giving women the benefit of the doubt in the motor coordination department, because you know, men are better at that kind of stuff. Is this like the world's tiniest Thighmaster? I honestly don't know if I'd be able to hold aspirin between my knees until marriage. In a literal sense. That shit disintegrates with the quickness, and what do I do if I'm having a sweaty day? But I guess that means I win the slut Olympics.

Man, this is harder than I thought. I can't walk like this. Can we at least get the gel caps so I can get some wing span on this shit? The only person who can live like this is Barbie, who we all know is a completely accurate representation of the female form.

"But what do I do if I have a headache and all I have is this half-dose of aspirin?" -Barbie

What's great about Rush Limbaugh is that for every bullshit idea he purports to the world, a personal matter in his own life comes to the forefront that completely contradicts what he so vehemently asserted.  Remember when he attributed the destruction of this country to drug use? Shortly after, it was revealed that Rush Limbaugh was addicted to narcotics. I guess that's why he's suggesting aspirin for all women--heaven forbid we take all the good drugs.

Speaking of good drugs, remember when Rush was caught with 30 Viagra pills leaving the Dominican Republic? I thought only sluts need that much Viagra.

We sadly have to assume that someone was sleeping with him. That thought alone just made me consider a life of celibacy.

Look at this face. If you can. No wonder he's had 4 wives and no kids--he's also had 4 wives and no sex. Which leads me to believe that Rush Limbaugh is the very best form of contraception the world may ever know.

Here on out, I propose the "Don't Rush" method of contraception. Not just for women--for everyone. Put up the picture of Rush on your bedroom wall and see if you can even vaguely think about having sexual feelings again. It's like the "Clockwork Orange" of arousal. If you can get past this face, you're obviously a slut. Or have an esoteric fetish for pompous, misogynist, narcissistic, atherosclerosis-ridden men. Which is a fate worse than being a furry.

I have one last question, Rush: Do you plan on offering aspirin through graduation for these students? I just want to ensure that you can make the 4-year commitment that you made during college--oh wait. Where was it you didn't graduate from again? Southsouth East 39 degrees North Missouri City Borough State University?

Remember, kids, Don't Rush.

F*ck a Generic. Real Talk.

One of my best friends recently sent me this link about healthcare, as both being crazy and reading about it all day, I don't shut up about it.

Rilli tho, this chick has to be OD desperate. To prostitute yourself for managed care is worse than to prostitute yourself for prostitution. Girl, you have too much going for you to be doing this to yourself.

You clearly have fashion sense, as I see your lil' Kathy Ireland cardigan pokin' out, which also demonstrates your financially savvy ways from the Kmart collection (I grew up on layaway Christmases--I feel you, girl).

You found a clear background from which you could video yourself--no clutter in sight--so you're obviously not a hoarder. That is a plus. Meanwhile, let's back up on the camera thing. I know you are aware that your laptop or whatever other device you used to tape this is obviously more expensive than the Flonase you big-up in the beginning of your serenade. I'm saying that selling that should probably be your first method of recourse.

I'm also gonna go ahead and assume that you had found that salon that gives fantastic free hair cuts and dyes on the first Monday of the month, so you know how to spot a deal. Let's work with these money management skillz.

Now, you still have a boombox--that is an issue, I see--but we can get past that. I know a crackhead on 178th outside that crackhead-infested bus station who would gladly sell po' lil' boom boom box to someone else who had no reason in the middle of January to buy a boombox in 2012 in the first place. And while yes, you'd have to stay to monitor that he did not run with your money or use it to scratch his nether regions, he'd at least break you off $3. These $3 are crucial, as you can at least get a single-ride Metrocard to take a bus or train (you look like a bus girl, tho) down to a free clinic. Yes, they exist. Get your lil' deviated septum some help.

Now, what concerns me most is that you will "suck a d*ck for generic*." Girl, the only preexisting condition that you have is that I have not kicked knowledge to you on generics. I know times is hard on the yard, and that closed mouths don't get paid on the boulevard, but you need to save your oral services on this one.

Generics are cheap; you don't have to be. Generics are also cheap because they are not 100% guaranteed or you get your money back. They do not come with the Allstate promise. In fact, the fucking drug assholes (FDA, for short) mandates that generics only have 80-125% bioavailability to the brand name of the drug. This means, young lady, that one month, you could get Flonase made by Generic Company A, that's as efficacious as the brand name, and then next month, you could get itty bitty 80% Flonase, made by Generic Company B.

Your video has shown me that you know how to find a deal, and that you're willing to put out for some nasal-passage clearing, so if you're going to give it up, do it with the knowledge that you'll be able to breathe the same way every month. After all, if you're gonna be doin' that for moneyz, you will need some clear sinuses.