Dennis Kucinich Abducted by Actual Aliens

Very rarely does news shock me to the point where all my cognitive abilities are suspended for any amount of time, but the day has come, friends.

"Dennis Kucinich joins Fox News." This is not an Onion article.

I have never been afraid to say that Dennis Kucinich is my favorite politician. For years, I've thought he was the only one with a spine. Few people knew that he was the last person that Obama had to convince to sign the healthcare bill. He resisted until the final hour because he felt it compromised the original intent of the bill; Kucinich was willing to stand against his party to voice that the healthcare bill had changed so much that it no longer represented that which it was meant to execute. He later addressed his constituents to expound on his hesitation to sign the bill. His consistency in not only going against the grain--when necessary and not for shock-value purposes--but also defending his stance, has made him a model of integrity.

Kucinich is known for critical analysis in making decisions, while always fighting to uphold the value of the Constitution. Some (key word "some") of his political actions include:

• Voting against the Patriot Act because of constitutional violations
• Being the only Congressional member to vote against the "9/11 Commemoration Act," because it did not address the lies employed to bring the United States to war
• Openly being the only Democratic presidential nominee in 2008 to embrace gay marriage
• Drafting the initiative to impeach Cheney and Bush for crimes against the people of the United States
• Opposing military intervention in Libya that was seen as abuse of presidential power

While I don't agree with every decision Kucinich has made, I have always respected his ability to impart to the American people why he votes the way he does--and the fact that he actually read all the bills presented to him.

I was heartbroken when he lost his seat because of district reorganization specifically designed to oust him. Kucinich is the only political entity I ever donated to--twice--and I don't even live in Ohio. I donated because I respected his ethics. I donated because of his success in spite of a very destitute upbringing. I donated because I felt that Kucinich provided a consistent voice that the United States so desperately needs. He seemed to be one of the only politicians to recognize early on how the two-party system is closing in on this country. He is a fervent advocate of instant-runoff voting, something that could help restore democracy to the painfully stagnant binary in Washington.

Fox News is notorious for picking liberals who stand so far to the left that all Democrats look insane to anyone who watches the channel as a sole media outlet. It's obvious that they view Dennis Kucinich as that person. Fox News has seen Kucinich's opposition to some of Obama's policies as an opportunity to capitalize on the network's agenda to propagate a negative and inaccurate view of the President. What Fox may not realize is that disagreeing on an issue is not the same as changing one's values. Unfortunately, I can bet that Kucinich's supporters are going to dwindle in the coming days. Kucinich needs to make his motives clear, and I expect that he will.

Yes, Dennis Kucinich is seen as a crazy liberal, but he was my crazy liberal. He's my Barney Frank. I don't want to see him used by the least fair-and-balanced news outlet to sell nonfactual ideals. I'm really hoping that this is a blessing in disguise, but things look dismal. I would like to give Kucinich the benefit of the doubt--perhaps he sees this as an opportunity to somehow sway viewers of the network, even just slightly. But for a news outlet that will cut the mic off the second a dissenting opinion is uttered, I highly doubt Kucinich can effect much change.

Rush Limbaugh Is a Slut: The Don't Rush Method

This one goes in the SomeMo' Bullllshit archives. Our favorite bloated posterchild for what emphysema and a regimen of no exercise looks like, Rush Limbaugh, has returned to his misogynistic focus. After all, women are very close to his heart, as are plaque and vile, vile ideologies. We all know he's been hard-headed for too long--priapism. (Sorry, every now and then I like to practice my Young Money rhyme scheme.(

Yes, the creator of the term "Feminazi" has relaunched his personal war on women, slandering Sandra Fluke, a law student at Georgetown University, as a slut and a prostitute. Why? Because she openly advocates that employers include contraception coverage in their health plans.

Now, he's being the ever-magnanimous man we all know, extending his personal contraception to all of Georgetown University. In the vein of Foster Freiss, who has caused quite a buzz over his aspirin-between-the-knees-as-birth-control method, Limbaugh cosigned the idea and raised the stakes. "I'm offering a compromise today: I will buy all of the women at Georgetown University as much aspirin to put between their knees as they want."

Wow! I hope it's Bayer, and not just a generic (we know how I feel about generics). At least he's giving women the benefit of the doubt in the motor coordination department, because you know, men are better at that kind of stuff. Is this like the world's tiniest Thighmaster? I honestly don't know if I'd be able to hold aspirin between my knees until marriage. In a literal sense. That shit disintegrates with the quickness, and what do I do if I'm having a sweaty day? But I guess that means I win the slut Olympics.

Man, this is harder than I thought. I can't walk like this. Can we at least get the gel caps so I can get some wing span on this shit? The only person who can live like this is Barbie, who we all know is a completely accurate representation of the female form.

"But what do I do if I have a headache and all I have is this half-dose of aspirin?" -Barbie

What's great about Rush Limbaugh is that for every bullshit idea he purports to the world, a personal matter in his own life comes to the forefront that completely contradicts what he so vehemently asserted.  Remember when he attributed the destruction of this country to drug use? Shortly after, it was revealed that Rush Limbaugh was addicted to narcotics. I guess that's why he's suggesting aspirin for all women--heaven forbid we take all the good drugs.

Speaking of good drugs, remember when Rush was caught with 30 Viagra pills leaving the Dominican Republic? I thought only sluts need that much Viagra.

We sadly have to assume that someone was sleeping with him. That thought alone just made me consider a life of celibacy.

Look at this face. If you can. No wonder he's had 4 wives and no kids--he's also had 4 wives and no sex. Which leads me to believe that Rush Limbaugh is the very best form of contraception the world may ever know.

Here on out, I propose the "Don't Rush" method of contraception. Not just for women--for everyone. Put up the picture of Rush on your bedroom wall and see if you can even vaguely think about having sexual feelings again. It's like the "Clockwork Orange" of arousal. If you can get past this face, you're obviously a slut. Or have an esoteric fetish for pompous, misogynist, narcissistic, atherosclerosis-ridden men. Which is a fate worse than being a furry.

I have one last question, Rush: Do you plan on offering aspirin through graduation for these students? I just want to ensure that you can make the 4-year commitment that you made during college--oh wait. Where was it you didn't graduate from again? Southsouth East 39 degrees North Missouri City Borough State University?

Remember, kids, Don't Rush.