Express Wants To Help You Kill Your Boyfriend

Hello, and Happy Ides of May; may you not be stabbed 23 times by an assassin who's bad with deadlines.

Being the fashion forward (read: VERY BACKWARD) woman I am, I am part of the EXPRESS e-mail list and part of some rewards program. I'm pretty sure the rewards are just seeing a number in hot pink that was not as high before, but I also am poor and cannot shop there. That, and I'm still dealing with the irony of being an editor and not being able to buy the "Editor Pant."

Lately, their e-mails have bordered on the ridiculous side. See-through shirts are being advertised as workwear and underwear-length shorts are being advertised as shorts. Additionally, I've been dreading the return of the midriff--I have no waist, so there's definitely no mid and certainly no riff. As I've told some people, this summer's fashion is "mini denim shorts, midriffs, and bright shirts that are twice the length of a regular shirt. The only way I could look more like a Chelsea Puerto Rican coming back from Rye Playland is by getting a Tweety Bird tattoo." Addendum: Betty Boop tattoo.

Today, I got this e-mail that's continued to perpetuate the non-clothing clothing Express is trying to sell me: 

The deal seems pretty good, but the heteronormative angle? Not so much. Regardless, I was like, "GREAT. Let's see what this selection looks like."


..And then I realize that these are murder jeans! 

THEY ARE LITERALLY CALLING THIS THE CROPPED ROLLED "DESTROYED BOYFRIEND" JEAN. 

Peep this:

Several murder-related issues to discuss here. I've tried to outline and annotate via creepy font, red arrows, and that one lightning bolt so you can visualize the "destruction" "possibilities."

1. To reiterate...It's called the "CROPPED ROLLED DESTROYED BOYFRIEND JEAN." 

The copywriter behind this didn't even make an effort to hide her relationship wrath. I've destroyed files, I've destroyed lab experiments...I have yet to intend to destroy a person.

And note that "Jean" is on the next line, wayyyyy far away from the boyfriend destruction, like some chick was like "Oh, shit, we need to remember that these are jeans and not just ACCESSORIES TO MURDER."


2. They show no faces. Anonymity protected.
Only tough stances and watches. So you know that these girls meant it and kept track of the timing, should a solid corroboration of alibi be needed.


3. They've offered a deal that allows you 2 pairs of murder jeans, in case someone wants to snitch! 
Snitches get stitches, generally, but the stitch of these jeans allows you the financial freedom to get your next pair half off! (I'm assuming they mean pair of jeans). Express just wants to make it easy for you to cover all your bases.


4. Its imported status and machine washable features ensure that you will stylishly get away with it. 
Imported from where? NO ONE KNOWS, BECAUSE THEY DON'T TELL YOU! Brilliant. 


5. This just leaked today, and they already have 3 people who "like" it. 
There are a lot of ladies out there who want destroyed boyfriends, and they're letting the world know that they're ready for full-blown felony--manslaughter is for punks (apparently? Jodi Arias, what say you?). Join the coalition of premeditators!

SIX MILLION WAYS TO DIE...CHOOSE ONE

...Who knew Express got down like that?! Rilli tho?!

Dennis Kucinich Abducted by Actual Aliens

Very rarely does news shock me to the point where all my cognitive abilities are suspended for any amount of time, but the day has come, friends.

"Dennis Kucinich joins Fox News." This is not an Onion article.

I have never been afraid to say that Dennis Kucinich is my favorite politician. For years, I've thought he was the only one with a spine. Few people knew that he was the last person that Obama had to convince to sign the healthcare bill. He resisted until the final hour because he felt it compromised the original intent of the bill; Kucinich was willing to stand against his party to voice that the healthcare bill had changed so much that it no longer represented that which it was meant to execute. He later addressed his constituents to expound on his hesitation to sign the bill. His consistency in not only going against the grain--when necessary and not for shock-value purposes--but also defending his stance, has made him a model of integrity.

Kucinich is known for critical analysis in making decisions, while always fighting to uphold the value of the Constitution. Some (key word "some") of his political actions include:

• Voting against the Patriot Act because of constitutional violations
• Being the only Congressional member to vote against the "9/11 Commemoration Act," because it did not address the lies employed to bring the United States to war
• Openly being the only Democratic presidential nominee in 2008 to embrace gay marriage
• Drafting the initiative to impeach Cheney and Bush for crimes against the people of the United States
• Opposing military intervention in Libya that was seen as abuse of presidential power

While I don't agree with every decision Kucinich has made, I have always respected his ability to impart to the American people why he votes the way he does--and the fact that he actually read all the bills presented to him.

I was heartbroken when he lost his seat because of district reorganization specifically designed to oust him. Kucinich is the only political entity I ever donated to--twice--and I don't even live in Ohio. I donated because I respected his ethics. I donated because of his success in spite of a very destitute upbringing. I donated because I felt that Kucinich provided a consistent voice that the United States so desperately needs. He seemed to be one of the only politicians to recognize early on how the two-party system is closing in on this country. He is a fervent advocate of instant-runoff voting, something that could help restore democracy to the painfully stagnant binary in Washington.

Fox News is notorious for picking liberals who stand so far to the left that all Democrats look insane to anyone who watches the channel as a sole media outlet. It's obvious that they view Dennis Kucinich as that person. Fox News has seen Kucinich's opposition to some of Obama's policies as an opportunity to capitalize on the network's agenda to propagate a negative and inaccurate view of the President. What Fox may not realize is that disagreeing on an issue is not the same as changing one's values. Unfortunately, I can bet that Kucinich's supporters are going to dwindle in the coming days. Kucinich needs to make his motives clear, and I expect that he will.

Yes, Dennis Kucinich is seen as a crazy liberal, but he was my crazy liberal. He's my Barney Frank. I don't want to see him used by the least fair-and-balanced news outlet to sell nonfactual ideals. I'm really hoping that this is a blessing in disguise, but things look dismal. I would like to give Kucinich the benefit of the doubt--perhaps he sees this as an opportunity to somehow sway viewers of the network, even just slightly. But for a news outlet that will cut the mic off the second a dissenting opinion is uttered, I highly doubt Kucinich can effect much change.