Change.org Needs to Fall Back

Change.org needs to change.org. The last good thing they did was publicize the Bank of America $5 fee to get to your own money and help promote a petition to change.org that bullshit. Admittedly, though, the success of that fee getting removed is probably also attributable to the tangential motivation of Occupy Wall Street; when you threaten people's finances, they get pissed off enough to do shit.

That being said, I probably got on the Change.org mailing list after signing a petition I probably believed in. Since then, however, it's been a fucking free-for-all of whatever cause must come to mind at the moment. They Chicken Little my inbox at least 3 times a week with the most sensationalist bullshit I've seen since Justin Bieber's paternity test. Here is a sample of subject lines of e-mails I've gotten from Change.org within the past month or so:

Does this Web site have any filter for what becomes a cause? These people are all over the place, which truly emotionally exhausts those who initially supported the Web site. These subject lines are all ridiculous ways to both captivate my attention and ensure that I won't care; if you want to garner support, exploitative language isn't the way to go. Let's go headline by headline.  

"Acid baths as retaliation" Not only have you gotten my attention, you've given my enemies ideas. GREAT.


"Two dolphins dead at a party" This is the biggest Rilli Tho of all. It sounds like dolphins had a crazy time at the rave they went to. Oh, wait, and then you read the actual e-mail, and these dolphins had a crazy time because the rave went to them. "Veterinarians now say their deaths were likely caused by the ear-splitting music of the rave and drugs that ravers threw into the dolphins' tank...Please sign Carin's petition to shut down Switzerland's last remaining dolphinarium." Rilly tho? I likely signed a petition opposing bank's greed, and I'm getting an e-mail about a dolphinarium--by the way, that shit is too specific to be a word--in Switzerland?! Next...


"Five years in prison for being gay" Ok, this is slightly more reasonable, but only because I iz into human rights and shit (I envision animal rights activists plotting to throw me into a piranha pit right now, but this all goes back to Change.org needing to filter their petitions because everyone cares about what they respectively care about). This e-mail contains a petition to the president of Cameroon calling for the freedom of 2 men jailed for being gay.

Though unjust, imprisonment for gayness is not a new thing. My boy Oscar Wilde was imprisoned for being a "sodomite" and that shit made his writing take a dark, dark turn. Also, I feel like if Change.org wants to bring light to homophobia in Africa, they should focus on the more heinous violent acts against gays in places like Uganda.

"Siri, why are you anti-choice?" Hands down, my favorite one. "Siri can't help when you ask it to find abortion services." How many people has this affected? Why are we both A: talking out loud into our phones about abortion? B: Asking our phones where we can get an abortion? I have yet to witness anyone on the street asking where the nearest abortion clinic is, let alone asking their phones.

MAYBE Siri is just against blowing up people's spots. MAYBE she doesn't want to be in a position where you're on the street rhyming to Lil Wayne and you say "Weezy baby baby kill..." and she says "DID YOU MEAN ABORTION?" Ladies and gentleman, I'm gonna go ahead and say Siri is looking out for you.


"This monk needs you" Well now that Change.org has been on a winning streak of freaking me the fuck out with headers, I feel cheated by this one. There is already nothing interesting about monks--not only that, but you're not gonna tell me off the bat why this one needs me? Nah, son. If it's not a Free Tibet rally, I want no part of it. Rilli tho, Free Tibet.

"Dead horse on an NYC street" There is so much outrageous shit that happens in New York. There was a PERSON who was dead on a packed train for 8 hours before anyone noticed. If we're going the horse route...Why don't we talk about why it's 2011 and the NYPD still rides on horses as part of what has to be an ironic anachronistic joke...and then get to this issue?


"Sexual assault and the peace corps" OK, this one is aite too. It's about the Peace Corps needing to man up when issues of sexual assault are presented to them. I'm into changingthat.org.


"Hate crime at McDonalds" McDonalds is a hate crime all by itself. I used to LOVE a drunk snack wrap, until I saw this. Now I just feel pangs of despair and regret when I think about all of the chicken that I've eaten that I now realize was indistinguishable from strawberry fro-yo. Now I hate Change.org for reminding me of this.

OMG, no shit.