F*ck a Generic. Real Talk.

One of my best friends recently sent me this link about healthcare, as both being crazy and reading about it all day, I don't shut up about it.

Rilli tho, this chick has to be OD desperate. To prostitute yourself for managed care is worse than to prostitute yourself for prostitution. Girl, you have too much going for you to be doing this to yourself.

You clearly have fashion sense, as I see your lil' Kathy Ireland cardigan pokin' out, which also demonstrates your financially savvy ways from the Kmart collection (I grew up on layaway Christmases--I feel you, girl).

You found a clear background from which you could video yourself--no clutter in sight--so you're obviously not a hoarder. That is a plus. Meanwhile, let's back up on the camera thing. I know you are aware that your laptop or whatever other device you used to tape this is obviously more expensive than the Flonase you big-up in the beginning of your serenade. I'm saying that selling that should probably be your first method of recourse.

I'm also gonna go ahead and assume that you had found that salon that gives fantastic free hair cuts and dyes on the first Monday of the month, so you know how to spot a deal. Let's work with these money management skillz.

Now, you still have a boombox--that is an issue, I see--but we can get past that. I know a crackhead on 178th outside that crackhead-infested bus station who would gladly sell po' lil' boom boom box to someone else who had no reason in the middle of January to buy a boombox in 2012 in the first place. And while yes, you'd have to stay to monitor that he did not run with your money or use it to scratch his nether regions, he'd at least break you off $3. These $3 are crucial, as you can at least get a single-ride Metrocard to take a bus or train (you look like a bus girl, tho) down to a free clinic. Yes, they exist. Get your lil' deviated septum some help.

Now, what concerns me most is that you will "suck a d*ck for generic*." Girl, the only preexisting condition that you have is that I have not kicked knowledge to you on generics. I know times is hard on the yard, and that closed mouths don't get paid on the boulevard, but you need to save your oral services on this one.

Generics are cheap; you don't have to be. Generics are also cheap because they are not 100% guaranteed or you get your money back. They do not come with the Allstate promise. In fact, the fucking drug assholes (FDA, for short) mandates that generics only have 80-125% bioavailability to the brand name of the drug. This means, young lady, that one month, you could get Flonase made by Generic Company A, that's as efficacious as the brand name, and then next month, you could get itty bitty 80% Flonase, made by Generic Company B.

Your video has shown me that you know how to find a deal, and that you're willing to put out for some nasal-passage clearing, so if you're going to give it up, do it with the knowledge that you'll be able to breathe the same way every month. After all, if you're gonna be doin' that for moneyz, you will need some clear sinuses.

American Healthcare Is Ruining My Sex Life

Here is an actual role-play my boyfriend wanted to try out, and its subsequent failure due to the jacked-up American healthcare system.

Him: "OK, you be the hot pharmacist, and I'll be the guy who comes in wanting something for my broken heart."
Me: "OK."
Him: "Sooo...can you help me with my broken heart?"
Me: "When you say broken heart, what do you mean...?"
Him: "I have an arrhythmia."
Me: "Mmm...Well, we can give you some metoprolol...or vernakalant..."
Him: "Mmmm, how big is the dosage on that?"
Me: "Well, it depends on whether you get something by mouth or intravenously--straight to your heart"
*Bedroom eyes exchange*
Him: "...Oh, no! It looks like I don't have any insurance. How are we going to...?"
Me: "We're in Canada."
Him: "...I just came."


Thankfully, we were able to meet the challenge in Canada. However, let's pretend that our role-play would have taken place in the United States. Dissatisfaction abounds:

Him: "Oh, no! It looks like I don't have any insurance. How are we going to...?"
Me: "Well, this is very expensive. I don't know if you have what it takes."
Him: "Are you sure? [leans over counter and whispers] I think I have what it takes."
Me: "No, really. The cheapest form of treatment for this condition is a Tier 3 on most formularies, which is essentially the most expensive situation, unfortunately."
Him: "Which formulary do you want?"
Me: "I'd have to make a lot of calls is what I'm trying to tell you."
Him: "So what you're saying is that I'll have to give you a laaaarrrrge percentage?"
Me: "Yes, but depending on your age, I don't know if you'll be able to cover the donut hole"
Him: "Oh, I think I can cover it, if you know what I mean. Do you carry the generic?"
Me: "Well, it gets a little kinky here, because there is a generic, but we don't carry it. The maker of the brand name basically gave me a better deal in light of their having lost the patent on it, bringing their marketability to zero among insurance carriers. So, you'd inevitably have to pay more regardless, even if you wanted the generic. Take Lipitor for example--"
Him: "You know, I'll just keep my broken heart..."