Being the fashion forward (read: VERY BACKWARD) woman I am, I am part of the EXPRESS e-mail list and part of some rewards program. I'm pretty sure the rewards are just seeing a number in hot pink that was not as high before, but I also am poor and cannot shop there. That, and I'm still dealing with the irony of being an editor and not being able to buy the "Editor Pant."
Lately, their e-mails have bordered on the ridiculous side. See-through shirts are being advertised as workwear and underwear-length shorts are being advertised as shorts. Additionally, I've been dreading the return of the midriff--I have no waist, so there's definitely no mid and certainly no riff. As I've told some people, this summer's fashion is "mini denim shorts, midriffs, and bright shirts that are twice the length of a regular shirt. The only way I could look more like a Chelsea Puerto Rican coming back from Rye Playland is by getting a Tweety Bird tattoo." Addendum: Betty Boop tattoo.
Today, I got this e-mail that's continued to perpetuate the non-clothing clothing Express is trying to sell me:
The deal seems pretty good, but the heteronormative angle? Not so much. Regardless, I was like, "GREAT. Let's see what this selection looks like."
..And then I realize that these are murder jeans!
THEY ARE LITERALLY CALLING THIS THE CROPPED ROLLED "DESTROYED BOYFRIEND" JEAN.
Peep this:
1. To reiterate...It's called the "CROPPED ROLLED DESTROYED BOYFRIEND JEAN."
The copywriter behind this didn't even make an effort to hide her relationship wrath. I've destroyed files, I've destroyed lab experiments...I have yet to intend to destroy a person.
And note that "Jean" is on the next line, wayyyyy far away from the boyfriend destruction, like some chick was like "Oh, shit, we need to remember that these are jeans and not just ACCESSORIES TO MURDER."
2. They show no faces. Anonymity protected.
Only tough stances and watches. So you know that these girls meant it and kept track of the timing, should a solid corroboration of alibi be needed.
3. They've offered a deal that allows you 2 pairs of murder jeans, in case someone wants to snitch!
Snitches get stitches, generally, but the stitch of these jeans allows you the financial freedom to get your next pair half off! (I'm assuming they mean pair of jeans). Express just wants to make it easy for you to cover all your bases.
4. Its imported status and machine washable features ensure that you will stylishly get away with it.
Imported from where? NO ONE KNOWS, BECAUSE THEY DON'T TELL YOU! Brilliant.
5. This just leaked today, and they already have 3 people who "like" it.
There are a lot of ladies out there who want destroyed boyfriends, and they're letting the world know that they're ready for full-blown felony--manslaughter is for punks (apparently? Jodi Arias, what say you?). Join the coalition of premeditators!
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