Hipsters Are People Pigeons, Part II

I have returned to go HAM on hipsters. To recap the first portion of my anti-hipster diatribe, I wanna kick hipsters because they are always in my way and I have the ILL pedestrian rage as it is. Back to the issues at hand...

HORN-RIMMED GLASSES
Why?! How?! These are the glasses that you had to wear as a child--almost as a form of cruel punishment--because they were the only ones they made to fit the huge lenses that were mandated to accommodate astigmatism in both your little-person eyes. These are the glasses that readily identified the nerd archetype character in 90's sitcoms. HOW DID THIS BECOME A THING. Daria is the ONLY person who ever looked good in them, and she is a cartoon.

Moreover, how is it that these glasses are the only glasses hipsters can find and cling to with all their faux-identity might? Have you been to LensCrafters? They have nearly unlimited options in terms of eyewear. Not to mention, they are so big as to take up 65% of any given person's face who wears them. Your facial features literally become uniform to the glasses, creating this Twilight Zone episode/Pink Floyd's "The Wall" hybrid of uni-face that apparently is only freaking me out. And as a reminder, I am a native New Yorker, so I see crazy shit all the time. It's like a prerequisite to residency.

Also, I personally don't like to look like a victim in New York. Aside from the fact that my smack reflex is already heightened around people pigeons, horn-rimmed glasses are OD smackoffthefaceable. Which makes it easy to say "oops" after. I WON'T MEAN IT THOUGH.

MUSIC
For a while, I wasn't concerned about hipster infiltration of my music because I listen predominantly hip-hop, reggae, and enough reggaeton for all of Washington Heights and LES combined (it's an issue, I am aware. No, it is not something I am willing to give up. Sorry, everyone around me on the train who has to second-hand hear Daddy Yankee playing in my headphones). I didn't listen to Grizzly Bear or whatever other like abbreviation-/animal-related band name music, so I thought I was in the clear.

Then something horrible happened.

Childish Gambino got signed to a label, and hipsters were catching on to the amazingness that is Donald Glover. I hate to say it, but I'm about to be one of those people who says, "Ohh, yeah, you JUST found him out now?! I been on his shit since 2007 when he was Prince Reggie K. Yeah, I met him, too...but, you know..." </asshole talk>

I was able to enjoy Donald Glover's stand-up shows and his initial concerts in blissful peace...until the last one I went to at Terminal 5 in November. Oh, it was so tragic: plaid, unwashed hair, and groupie-like zeal everywhere, in a space not fit for the breadth of the audience. I internally shed a solitary tear. At that moment, I realized I was no longer safe, and that my music-going tendencies would have to be indoors and alone. :(

Since writing the first part about people pigeons, it is as if hipster karma has knocked at my door: one of my best friends' bands, Sylvana-Joyce & the Moment, is playing at the Knitting Factory in Williamsburg on Tuesday, January 31st. (WILLIAMSBURG, ugh.) Go get tickets, because I swear fore Michael Jackson and even Ben that you will not be able to afford them soon.

Sylvana-Joyce is the definition of authentic, and her music ("gypsy rock") is too good not to inevitably be consumed by hipsters. Sylvana-Joyce will be in tow at the show with hipster glasses, but she asked for my forgiveness in advance, so I will pardon her. (People Pigeons: a native New Yorker wearing hipster glasses is the actual definition of post-ironic.)

Let us pray the hipster prayer: 

Hail Macy's, full of clothes that look like I could have gotten them originally in 1972, 

our Pabst be with thee. 

Blessed postmodern art thou, among women who were like women before women were in, 

and blessed ...is the fruit of your labor by virtue of being in the 99% no matter what your tax bracket is. 

Holy Contrary, Mother of Mod, 

pray for our spinsters because marriage shouldn't have to be a recognition of a true bond anymore--True Religion excluded--

now and at the hour of our fetch, stay "in."