Rush Limbaugh Is a Slut: The Don't Rush Method

This one goes in the SomeMo' Bullllshit archives. Our favorite bloated posterchild for what emphysema and a regimen of no exercise looks like, Rush Limbaugh, has returned to his misogynistic focus. After all, women are very close to his heart, as are plaque and vile, vile ideologies. We all know he's been hard-headed for too long--priapism. (Sorry, every now and then I like to practice my Young Money rhyme scheme.(

Yes, the creator of the term "Feminazi" has relaunched his personal war on women, slandering Sandra Fluke, a law student at Georgetown University, as a slut and a prostitute. Why? Because she openly advocates that employers include contraception coverage in their health plans.

Now, he's being the ever-magnanimous man we all know, extending his personal contraception to all of Georgetown University. In the vein of Foster Freiss, who has caused quite a buzz over his aspirin-between-the-knees-as-birth-control method, Limbaugh cosigned the idea and raised the stakes. "I'm offering a compromise today: I will buy all of the women at Georgetown University as much aspirin to put between their knees as they want."

Wow! I hope it's Bayer, and not just a generic (we know how I feel about generics). At least he's giving women the benefit of the doubt in the motor coordination department, because you know, men are better at that kind of stuff. Is this like the world's tiniest Thighmaster? I honestly don't know if I'd be able to hold aspirin between my knees until marriage. In a literal sense. That shit disintegrates with the quickness, and what do I do if I'm having a sweaty day? But I guess that means I win the slut Olympics.

Man, this is harder than I thought. I can't walk like this. Can we at least get the gel caps so I can get some wing span on this shit? The only person who can live like this is Barbie, who we all know is a completely accurate representation of the female form.

"But what do I do if I have a headache and all I have is this half-dose of aspirin?" -Barbie

What's great about Rush Limbaugh is that for every bullshit idea he purports to the world, a personal matter in his own life comes to the forefront that completely contradicts what he so vehemently asserted.  Remember when he attributed the destruction of this country to drug use? Shortly after, it was revealed that Rush Limbaugh was addicted to narcotics. I guess that's why he's suggesting aspirin for all women--heaven forbid we take all the good drugs.

Speaking of good drugs, remember when Rush was caught with 30 Viagra pills leaving the Dominican Republic? I thought only sluts need that much Viagra.

We sadly have to assume that someone was sleeping with him. That thought alone just made me consider a life of celibacy.

Look at this face. If you can. No wonder he's had 4 wives and no kids--he's also had 4 wives and no sex. Which leads me to believe that Rush Limbaugh is the very best form of contraception the world may ever know.

Here on out, I propose the "Don't Rush" method of contraception. Not just for women--for everyone. Put up the picture of Rush on your bedroom wall and see if you can even vaguely think about having sexual feelings again. It's like the "Clockwork Orange" of arousal. If you can get past this face, you're obviously a slut. Or have an esoteric fetish for pompous, misogynist, narcissistic, atherosclerosis-ridden men. Which is a fate worse than being a furry.

I have one last question, Rush: Do you plan on offering aspirin through graduation for these students? I just want to ensure that you can make the 4-year commitment that you made during college--oh wait. Where was it you didn't graduate from again? Southsouth East 39 degrees North Missouri City Borough State University?

Remember, kids, Don't Rush.